So each time I press a certain key on this board it enters the corresponding alphabet onto this monitor screen before me? Interesting. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooow. Hkuhdasjdwakjdaksjdvdf. I apologise for getting carried away but this board of keys is most amusing. After all, it is not everyday that I get an opportunity to pound my paws on words. Humans are very stern by nature; always commanding me to get off the sofa, the chair, the bed, the table, the just-about-everything. But it's no use wasting my time explaining to other humans the loathsomeness of the humans I live with... furless apes they be. They cannot even sport whiskers, for paws' sake!
In any case, I came on here to meow about something in particular. I have lived several months with this one family that keep calling me "pet" (the nerve of these imbeciles) and I have relished in all the bounties that their little paradise has to offer; from delicious roast chicken to fried fish and CATNIP! Ohhhhhhhh the goodness that is catnip. I suppose cats have something to be grateful for as well.
One fateful night my nose caught the whiff of something good... something I've never smelled before... something that perhaps no cat has ever smelled before... something divine. I hop up the stairs towards the smell, finding myself standing outside a door. The smell was stronger now, my nose almost bursting from inhaling the goodness. I could only wonder what it was: some sort of catnip that gave off such a wonderful smell? I had to find out. I clawed at the door and waited for an answer. No response. I clawed again, harder this time, and waited. Still no response. Curiosity seemed to be getting the better of me but hopelessness overcame everything and I backed away from the door to leave. Suddenly, it opened.
What I saw appalled me; humans breathing fire! I arched my back and ran inside the room to hide under the bed from the abominations these humans had become! Smoke emanated from their nostrils and mouth and an uncontrollable laughter beheld them. I cautiously peered out from under the bed and discovered that the divine smell was coming from the humans. How disappointed I was to find out it was not catnip. One of the humans was holding a paper-pen of sorts with a fiery tip that also produced the same smelling smoke. He placed the other end of the paper-pen in between his lips and sucked it. The result? The human blew out a large amount of smoke - in my general direction to be precise - and I was held in place by an unknown force.
Unable to move and unable to resist, I leaned closer to the human with the paper-pen and deeply sniffed as much of the intoxicating smoke as my little pink nose could muster! Soon, the human passed the fiery paper-pen to the other human. I knew what I had to do. The other human was seated on a bed. Without any second-thoughts I jumped onto the bed with him and breathed blissful smoke. Typically these humans would want me off their bed as soon as I got on. But for some reason they were not at all bothered by my presence not only in their room at night but also on one of their beds. I did not care either way; I only wanted to breathe in more of that smoke!
The events that followed are rather vague in my memory. To the best of my knowledge, I remember myself lying on the floor on my back with my legs pointing at the sky. I was also constantly meowing. It is a blessing that these humans cannot understanding cat-speech for to them it seemed as if a cute cat was meowing for attention. Actually, I was meowing because my little kitty part was tingling and I was longing for a sexy, Siamese pussycat to keep me company that night. Yes, we cats have libidos too.
I would write more about my little smoking adventure with my two humans but I can smell food downstairs. Speaking of food, I finished my catnip last night. =3
